High On Life
by Jen Raasch
Summary: What happens when Mayweather brings some wacky weed back to the ship and Chef uses it as salad?


Captain Jonathan Archer strolled onto the bridge of his ship, a large grin on his face. He didn't say anything to anyone until he moved down to his command chair and sat down. That's the way he liked it; he always had to make an entrance.  
  
"Well, T'Pol, what's going on today?" Archer asked, not bothering to look at his science officer.  
  
The woman glared at Archer distastefully. "We are approaching a planet, sir."  
  
Archer perked up even more. "Really? Is it a Min.Mena.can we go down there without EV suits?"  
  
"Please, please, please," Malcolm Reed whispered from his station.  
  
T'Pol looked first to Reed, then to Archer. "Yes, sir, it is a planet that can support humanoid life."  
  
"Hot damn!" Trip said from his position behind Reed.  
  
"Travis, when will we enter orbit?" Archer asked his helmsmen.  
  
"I can get ya there in five minutes, sir! This could be Archer's planet!" Mayweather said, a silly grin plastered on his face.  
  
"Travis, shut up," Archer ordered. "And prepare a shuttle pod for launch."  
  
"Which should I do first, sir?"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
Archer rose from his throne and surveyed the bridge, deciding who he should take along on the landing party. Hoshi was pretty useless, except if they ran into any strange aliens she could save the day by talking to them. T'Pol just irritated him, but she was nice to look at. Of course Trip would come, that much was obvious. Reed would just want to blow things up, but what if they needed things blown up? The choice was so difficult.  
  
"Captain." T'Pol said, breaking into his thoughts.  
  
"Not now, Sub-Commander, I'm thinking."  
  
Should he bring Porthos down to the surface? The little guy probably had to go to the bathroom something fierce. And Dr. Phlox would have to come, too, in case anyone needed medical attention.  
  
"Captain!" T'Pol said again, raising her voice only slightly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We just passed by the planet."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
She raised her eyebrow in a very Vulcan fashion, pretty much telling Archer that he was an idiot. "We just passed by the planet you wanted to take a look at."  
  
Archer turned towards the helm. "Travis, I thought I told you.wait a minute.where did Travis go?"  
  
"Captain, your orders were for him to shut up, then go get a shuttle pod ready," Hoshi supplied.  
  
Archer glared at the younger woman. "Hoshi, take the helm."  
  
"No can do, sir. I never learned how to fly."  
  
"Someone take the helm! Trip, you can drive."  
  
"Only shuttle, sir! This ship has a joystick, and, well, I just can't, sir!" Trip exclaimed in his southern accent.  
  
"Damn it, do I have to do everything myself?" Archer bellowed as he took the control of his ship.  
  
He maneuvered the mighty vessel around and headed back towards the planet. The trip was made in relative silence. The only sounds around the bridge were the clicking of buttons on consoles. No one dared say a word with the captain in such a foul mood.  
  
"Entering orbit," Archer muttered.  
  
"Captain, wouldn't it be wise to send a probe first?" T'Pol asked.  
  
"No," Archer seethed. "Trip, Malcolm, Hoshi, T'Pol, and Dr. Phlox, you're with me. We're going down to the planet."  
  
"Sir, I must protest." the Vulcan said, even though she was walking with the others down to the shuttle bay.  
  
"Why now?" Trip asked, flashing her his charming smile.  
  
"The entire senior staff is going down to this planet. What if something were to happen? Besides that, who have you left in charge?"  
  
"Some guy in a red shirt. Who cares?" Archer answered, moving to the front of the pod.  
  
"Uh, Cap'n. How are we all going to all fit in there?"  
  
"Sit on each other's laps."  
  
"Woo hoo!"  
  
"Travis!"  
  
The young ensign jumped and whirred around in his seat. "Yes, sir?"  
  
"Number one, I told you to shut up. Number two, you left the bridge without anyone piloting the ship! What kind of idiot are you?"  
  
"Sir?" Fear was clear in Mayweather's eyes.  
  
"Just get us down to the planet!" Archer turned to the other officers. T'Pol was sitting on Trip's lap, a large grin on the engineer's face. Hoshi was sitting on Phlox, and he also was wearing a grin. Reed was sitting by himself, but he had several guns and explosives all around him.  
  
"Think we're gonna run into trouble, Lieutenant?"  
  
Reed grinned. "Never can be too certain."  
  
"Alright, Travis, take us down."  
  
The shuttle pod exited the ship and into the planet's atmosphere. There was little talk, only an occasional mutter from one of the women. Archer silenced them with one quick look. He didn't want any arguments.  
  
"Sir, we've landed," Mayweather said cautiously.  
  
"Excellent. Let's go explore!"  
  
The herded out of the shuttle and onto the brightly lit planet. Trip took out his camera and turned to Archer and began, "Where no dog.." he stopped and looked around. "Uh, Cap'n, didn't you bring Porthos?"  
  
Archer hit the heel of his hand against his forehead and responded, "D'OH!"  
  
Trip shrugged. "Well, we're headed for Vulcan after this. The little guy can go there."  
  
T'Pol glared at the engineer, but did not say anything.  
  
"This place is so cool!" Travis exclaimed, turning in circles. "I remember this one planet I went to.I think I was 14 at the time."  
  
"Travis, shut up before I have Malcolm kill you."  
  
The armory officer walked up to the group, a phase pistol in one hand and a phase rifle in another and told Archer, "Sir, I could use a test of the kill setting on these weapons. Perhaps Travis could.help me?"  
  
"If he doesn't keep his trap shut, then by all means."  
  
Malcolm grinned. "Oh thank you sir!"  
  
Trip walked by at that moment. "You should have pushed him harder on that comet."  
  
"I tried to blow him up with the snowman, sir, but with the Vulcan's watching."  
  
The two men walked in one direction, and Travis walked in another, muttering, "Why is everyone trying to kill me?"  
  
Phlox overhead and commented, as he always did. "Because you're creepy, Ensign. That smile. Even makes my skin crawl."  
  
Travis looked in amazement, but the doctor just walked away. The Ensign just shrugged his shoulders and moved over to the edge of the forest area. He kneeled down and picked several plants, intent on bringing them back to the ship for analysis. He could be an effective member of the landing party. Really, he could.  
  
Two hours, the team met back at the shuttle, ready to go back to Enterprise. Travis was the only one who had thought to collect any planets for the science team. When he showed them to T'Pol, she just glared at him. Archer called him stupid again and Mayweather waved the pistol in front of his face.  
  
Travis just didn't get it? What did he ever do to deserve this treatment?  
  
*  
  
*  
  
Two Days Later  
  
"Chef! What's on the menu today?" Mayweather asked as he skipped into the mess hall.  
  
"Well, children, I've made some very good lasagna, with a side salad. I found the greens down in the."  
  
"That's nice, Chef. Just give me some food."  
  
Isaac handed the helmsmen the plate and muttered to himself, "One of these days you will die."  
  
*  
  
*  
  
Later that Day  
  
Archer walked onto the bridge, smiling to himself. He felt great. As a matter of fact, he hadn't felt this good since that time he and Trip had gotten drunk and then.  
  
At any rate, he felt good, almost high on life. Even Mayweather sitting at the helm didn't bother him.  
  
"What's on the agenda for today, Sub-Commander?" Archer asked when he reached his chair. God.he loved this chair.  
  
"Why do you always ask me that? Is there some reason you can't check for yourself? You're one lazy son of a bitch." the Vulcan answered.  
  
Archer turned to her, and found himself smiling. It didn't take long before he was laughing so hard he fell out of his much loved chair. Tears were streaming down his face.  
  
"Captain, what's so funny?" Mayweather asked, grinning like a dope.  
  
"She said bitch!" Archer answered between giggles.  
  
"Perhaps because she is a bitch?" Hoshi threw in, glaring at the other woman.  
  
"Do you wanna take this outside?" T'Pol threw back.  
  
"Let's go!" Hoshi cried as she lunched for the Sub-Commander.  
  
"Oooh! Catfight!" Malcolm cried. Moments later Trip skidded out of the turbolift, breathing heavy.  
  
"Got here as fast as I could. Did I miss anything?"  
  
Malcolm was sitting back in his chair, his feet propped up on the consol and a bowl of popcorn in his lap. "Nah, they did the pansy girl fight thing for the first few seconds. Now they're on to the hair pulling."  
  
"Excellent! I knew there was a reason I signed onto this mission. Got any beer?" Trip asked, pulling up a chair from one of the back consoles.  
  
"Cooler's right there," Malcolm pointed to the floor, but didn't take his eyes off the two women.  
  
"Whore!" T'Pol screamed at Hoshi as she slapped the younger woman across the face.  
  
"Slut!" Hoshi called back, ripping a good portion of the Vulcan's uniform.  
  
Archer had finally calmed down enough to sit up, and when he did, he got an eyeful of his science officer.  
  
"Woo Hoo!" he cried, sitting back in his thrown. Trip threw him a MGD.  
  
"At least I didn't sleep with the doctor!" T'Pol said, pushing Hoshi to the ground.  
  
"Dude, Hoshi slept with Phlox?" Trip whispered.  
  
Malcolm nodded but didn't say anything.  
  
"The ship goes zoom!" Travis suddenly said from the helm, giggling wildly.  
  
Malcolm finally tore his gaze from the two women and glared at the helmsmen. Without preamble, he pulled a phase pistol from under his chair, clicked a few buttons, and then aimed it at Mayweather. He fired seconds later, waited for the other man to fall to the ground, then put it away. He picked up his beer, took a big gulp, and turned back to the women.  
  
Archer looked down at Mayweather and then said, "Oh my God, you killed Travis!"  
  
"You bastard!" Trip added.  
  
The women had stopped fighting, and T'Pol turned to the two men. "The little twerp deserved to die."  
  
Archer and Trip looked at each other and shrugged. "She's got a point, Cap'n."  
  
"Yeah, I know, but I've always wanted to say that."  
  
"You suck," Hoshi said to her superior officer.  
  
"But the question is, do you?" Archer threw back, waggling his eyebrows.  
  
"Is that an order?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Let's go, Quantum guy!"  
  
Hoshi and Archer moved off to the captain's ready room. T'Pol was left alone on the bridge with Trip, Malcolm, and the corpse of what's-his- name. She looked at the two men left breathing before walking up to the engineer.  
  
"Ever heard of pon far?" she asked.  
  
"No, ma'am," he drawled.  
  
"Vulcan mating ritual. Very intense."  
  
"But wait," Malcolm threw in, looking up from polishing his weapon. "I thought only males."  
  
T'Pol leaned close to the armory officer. "Listen buddy, if you play along, I'll make sure me and you will get a real good decon scene."  
  
Malcolm turned to Trip. "Yes, pon far. Very intense. Very."  
  
"Hot damn!" Trip exclaimed. The two moved back to the situation room.  
  
The armory officer looked around and saw that everyone had been paired off. He looked down to Mayweather and shuddered. No, that was too much to even think about. But now he had the bridge all to himself and no one to share it with.  
  
The doors to the turbolift swooshed open and a young woman stepped off, a data pad in her hand. She took one look around the bridge, her eyes wide. Pieces of T'Pol uniform was on the floor. Beer cans were scattered about. And of course, there was a dead helmsmen among all of this.  
  
Her eyes fell to Reed, who was sitting alone behind his console. "Is there a problem, Lieutenant?"  
  
He looked up to her, and his gray eyes did a once over before answering. "The only problem I see, Ensign, is that I'm randy as hell and we have the bridge all to ourselves."  
  
"Hot damn!" she cried as she dropped the data pad and jumped the lieutenant.  
  
*  
  
*  
  
Eight Hour Later  
  
"What the hell.?" Archer asked when his eyes opened. The light was far too bright, and he had no idea how he got into his ready room.  
  
"Hmmmm." a voice next to him said.  
  
Archer looked over and saw the naked form of Hoshi Sato partially asleep next to him. He looked away for a brief moment before everything sunk in.  
  
"Oh my God!" he shouted as he jumped to his feet.  
  
Hoshi's eyes opened all the way and she got to her feet as well, but more slowly that Archer. They both dressed in silence, not even looking at each other. Once they were presentable, they walked out onto the bridge.  
  
Reed and some ensign were sprawled out in the captain's chair, both naked. Archer looked back to the situation room to see Trip and T'Pol in much the same position. Mayweather lay dead at Archer's feet.  
  
Phlox was sitting at the science station, a smug look on his face. "Ah, I see you're awake, Captain. The other's should be soon enough."  
  
Five minutes later, everyone was, with the exception of Mayweather. They had thrown him off to one side, not wanting to deal with him right now. At the moment, everyone was looking pretty ashamed at what had happened over the past few hours. Phlox had explained that the plant Mayweather had brought up was a type of hemp from the away mission two days ago. Chef had found it in the shuttle bay and had thought it was field greens. He had made the salad out of the wacky weed.  
  
"Alright," Archer said, rubbing his hands over his face. "Let's just agree that this never happened. I know I don't want to ever think again that I slept with a woman that has slept with Phlox."  
  
"And I know, Cap'n, that I will never admit that I had wild monkey love with a Vulcan," Trip threw in.  
  
"It was wild monkey love." T'Pol mumbled low enough that no one could hear here.  
  
Malcolm raised his hand slightly, trying to get Archer's attention. "What, Lieutenant?"  
  
"Can I at least take credit for killing Mayweather?"  
  
Archer looked to the corpse and then back to his armory officer, a grin on his face. "Certainly, Lt. Cmdr."  
  
"Hot damn, I even got a promotion out of it!"  
  
"Uh.sir?" another voice said.  
  
"Yes.ensign?"  
  
"Can I at least take credit for shagging Lt. Reed?"  
  
"Lt. Cmdr." Reed corrected.  
  
She looked at him and smiled. "Lt. Cmdr. Reed? No one's gonna believe me back home."  
  
"Certainly, ensign. Now.take the helm!"  
  
"Don't think so, sir. I'm not gonna end up like every other helmsmen on the Enterprise. I ain't stupid."  
  
Archer glared at the woman, but took the helm anyway, muttering something about how he's technically slept with Phlox now..  
  
Finis 


End file.
